You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
