it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
