the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
