theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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