Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
