The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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