im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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