She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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