Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
