she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
