Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
