The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
