I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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