wake up i wanna do it froggy style
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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