when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
