i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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