soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize