My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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