I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
