Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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