You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
