I haven't been this sober since birth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
