I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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