I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
