Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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