No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
