he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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