if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
