The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Best friends brother. Beat that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
