Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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