nut hugger
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
