I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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