She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
