The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
