She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
