this beer tastes like vomit already
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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