I think I won the penis lottery.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
