Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize