Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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