Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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