he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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