i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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