I think scott just propositioned me for sex
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
