the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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