he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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