Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
