I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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