The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
