ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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