I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
