plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
