hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
