I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
