I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
