you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
