either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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