careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
