I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
