I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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