Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
