Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
