i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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