I skipped work to stalk him.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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