goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
