Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
