why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
